First Snow

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It snowed tonight. We were taking a quick run to the store after dinner and Claire wanted to wait on the front steps, as always, while we got our coats on. She loves this — being alone outside without us for a few minutes (even though I’m watching through the screen door). And tonight there was snow and she wasn’t sure she wanted to be alone in it. “No snow, hate snow!” she announced.

I needed it, though, that steady falling white silence after a day of noise, both inward and out. Claire screaming screaming for a different snack; Claire saying over and over “build the house, build the house”; Claire racing through the house and slamming into my legs again and again and laughing and laughing.  And my voice in my head saying “you are not cut out for this you will go crazy if you ever try this again you need to get back to the world of adults.” My voice out loud, angry and impatient.

How beautiful, though, that snow. How beautiful, though, her realization that she could actually be alone in it. How beautiful her face looking up at it, falling, and the dark sky. How beautiful knowing I will try it all again tomorrow, and be better.

 

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